Realignment
by dreamseeker09
Summary: The day Edward Elric literally grew out of short jokes, Roy knew that there was something very wrong with the unvierse. Slight crackfic.


**Disclaimer: Did you really think I owned FMA? Apart from in my dreams?**

**Realignment**

Being the flame alchemist, Roy Mustang knew when danger was imminent. It was a useful skill – one that had saved him from countless bullets in the head and, much worse, the wrath of an angry Hawkeye. But today he could sense something far worse looming in the near future. Something unnatural, something risky that would probably involve a lot of agony on his part. He had worked his way up to Colonel, he had studied alchemy his whole life, his instincts were _never_ wrong. That, and Edward was due to give his report today.

The mounting sense of unease only intensified when, an hour later, his door was very calmly pushed open to reveal none other than the infamous golden-haired alchemist with a completely impassive expression. No breaking down the door, no loud greeting of 'Yo colonel bastard' or an angry glare. Roy shivered. Something was horribly wrong.

"Fullmetal," he started, trying to mask his growing fear. "I see you decided to show my door mercy, today. How kind of you."

Edward at once strode towards him, placed a _neatly written_ report on his desk, and smiled. "Yes, I've decided to turn over a new leaf. You see, sir, this last mission has taught me a lot and I believe I am past my days of…ah, adolescent immaturity."

Roy stared. Then he realised he was ogling his (underage) subordinate. Then he stared some more. Something was different about the boy, but he couldn't figure out what. "Fullmetal, are you feeling alright?" he asked, suddenly concerned for his health. Was it the flu? Some new strain that caused brain damage?

"Of course, sir, I feel great."

Oh, it was getting worse. Edward was never _great. _And since when did he call him Sir? It sounded wrong. With dread in his gut, Roy knew there was only one explanation. "You're not Fullmetal." It suddenly dawned on him. _Of course_, why didn't he think of it first? "You're an imposter, you have to be. Envy, is it? Here to get revenge on me? Give me back my subordinate _now_ or I will blow you into next week - ,"

"Colonel," Edward intervened quickly before Roy could snap and set his office aflame. "It's me! I'm not Envy, really!"

Roy narrowed his eyes. "Yeah?" There was only one way to know if this was the real Fullmetal or not. "I suppose you're right. After all, even Envy's not _that _short."

He waited for the inevitable explosion. But it never came. There was a dangerous twitch of a blonde eyebrow, and then something so mind-bogglingly terrifying happened that it sent shivers down Roy's back. Edward was grinning the biggest shit-eating grin he'd ever seen.

"Actually Colonel, those juvenile jokes of yours no longer apply to me. You see, I've _grown_ out of them."

This was not possible. Something in the universe was very _very_ wrong and needed to get its ass realigned _now_ before he went up there and flamed it out of Space himself. "You don't mean…you _can't…"_

Edward was much too smug. "Yup, that's right. I've grown. Taller. _A whole two centimetres._"

"Sure you have, Fullmetal," Roy shot back smoothly, even as mind tried to grapple with this new development. "You look just as much of a shrimp as you did when you left. No difference there." It was a lie, though. Roy hated to admit it, but perhaps Edward had grown. Somehow.

But there was still no angry explosion, just that stupid grin. "Sorry, sir, but I've _risen above_ your petty insults. You see I'm well on my way to the important milestone of average height, and I guess you'll just have to find a new hobby."

Fullmetal, average height? This was bordering on blasphemy. "I have plenty of other hobbies," Roy growled indignantly, mind reeling. "Most of which involve a full time career in the military, I might add."

Edward sighed, like a parent disappointed with their child. "Oh but that's not what I've heard. Hawkeye said that you've been slacking off, and I'm here to change that. With my new found height and maturity, I've realised that you can't achieve your goals without putting in the effort. Equivalent exchange, right?"

"You've got to be kidding me…" Roy considered introducing his head to the table, but decided that he would need all the brain cells he could retain to make it out of this situation alive. And then, just as he lowered his aching head into his arms, he saw it. And he realised that thing that had been bugging him ever since Edward had come in, the thing that had been different about him.

"You should start by cleaning out your drawers, chucking away the useless stuff and organising it in a neat and tidy fashion.." Edward was saying, but Roy was hardly listening in light of his new epiphany.

"Fullmetal."

"You also need to cut down on the caffeine, you know that's stuff never good for you-"

"Fullmetal," he tried again.

"Maybe you should buy a potted plant as well, they make great company and it'll bring some colour into this dreary place.."

"Ed."

"Oh, maybe you could redecorate! Get the whole crew to help you, that would be a great bonding exercise –,"

"EDWARD."

Ed finally stopped his continuous flow of speech mid sentence, shocked into silence. "What?" he cocked his head in confusion.

Roy sighed. "Your shoes."

"What about my shoes?"

"Your boots have new soles. That's why you're taller."

There was silence. Absolute silence. Roy didn't even dare to _breathe. _He was too busy trying to calculate whether or not he could make it out alive if he bolted for the door now. The tension in the air was suffocating, causing his throat to close up. Edward's eyes were widened to the size of dinner plates, first in disbelief, and then in horror as the realisation dawned on him and he stared stupidly down at the offending new soles of his shoes. And then –

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN I'M N0T ANY TALLER? THIS IS _YOUR_ FAULT YOU STUPID, LAZY, COLONEL BASTARD. _AND I'M STILL GROWING DAMMIT,_ JUST YOU WAIT. IF YOU CRACK ONE MORE SHORT JOKE THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I'M GOING TO TRANSMUTE YOU INTO A FUCKING CARDBOARD CUT OUT AND USE YOU FOR TARGET PRACTICE, AND THEN I'M GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR LIMBS AND ALCHEMICALLY BURY THEM IN _LAVA._"

With his charming performance over, Edward let out one last scream of rage that could probably be heard on the other side of Central, before storming out and slamming the door so hard the poor thing gave up and fell off its hinges.

Two minutes later Hawkeye and the rest of Roy's crew stuck their heads through the smoking doorway, concerned for their superior's life, only to see the usually calm alchemist trying to stifle loud sniggers.

"I take it Major Elric wasn't in a good mood today?"

"Oh no, just his usual _short_ temper flaring up again."

And then Roy, unable to hold back any longer, burst out into loud and genuine laughter that caught all of his subordinates by surprise. Roy only continued to laugh though, because for once his instincts had been wrong. Life was good. No, life was _great. _Turned out there was nothing wrong with the universe after all.

Hawkeye was as strict as ever, paperwork was as boring as ever, Roy had made it through the day with his sanity intact, and Fullmetal was still the temperamental, unpredictable, loud-mouthed, vertically-challenged brat that Roy had somehow let worm into his heart.

**Oh god. I'm so sorry if it sucked, this was my first attempt at humour. I'm generally an Edward angst – addict, so if anyone's in the mood for something depressing check out my other FMA stories (no shameless advertising there or anything). **

**BACK TO THE POINT. This fic was written to celebrate my own newly acquired height. Yes, I do have a short complex much like Edward, and yes, I've grown. I'VE FINALLY GROWN AND I'M ON THE ONE WAY STREET TO AVERAGE HEIGHT. OH HELL YES BABY XD**

**Right, now that I've got that out of the way, review please **

**Thank you!**


End file.
